I see your polished surface,
Such beauty and certainty.
I start to smile, but then I wonder…
Is it the same in your heart?
Or is your show a farce?
Are you hiding the venom you hold inside?
Waiting… just long enough to hook me
So that you can destroy me.
Then allow all those I’m not enough for
To use me as a bridge to cross the muddy waters.
I see your face,
I think I see your heart,
But I’ve been duped before.
It’s like slots…
I will keep pulling the lever to lose,
But walk away when I’m guaranteed the next pull wins.
Because every time I’ve believed,
I’ve felt the sting that follows trusting that I am enough.
Most of us have been broken at some point. It’s not the end of life. I’ve been broken more than once and always manage to regroup and carry on. But the battle that follows the broken and the mend is the fear…
I’m trying to get used to someone wanting to be a part of my life and experiences. I spent so many years walking alone even though I was supposed to have a partner. I got used to doing things with just me and my son or solo because I got tired of asking and being rejected/disappointed. I learned to do it all for myself by myself.
I became accustomed to hiding any need for companionship as relates to day to day life; I convinced myself I didn’t need so many things that all humans need (touch, affection, reassurance, the ability to be vulnerable, positive encouragement, etc.) because I am a strong independent woman and I was determined NOT to let people see something break me.
The problem here is that this coping mechanism for dealing with a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling has become so ingrained in me that I’m having a hard time shutting that feature off now that I no longer need it. My auto-pilot still believes that it isn’t safe to show my needs and desires to the one that I need them from – it still thinks it is protecting me. My sane mind tells it that it isn’t necessary, that we have grown beyond that stage in life and removed the cancers that caused self-preservation to be required. But that protective feature coupled with my anxiety is whispering…
-What if you let all your guards down and it backfires?
-What if you express your needs and they make you seem weak and unattractive?
-What if you are rejected?
-What if it isn’t what that person wants and then everything that’s good goes out the window with that?
-What if I get hurt?
The “what if” game is such a shitty game. I never win, yet I still keep playing it with myself.
But I’m no quitter, so I will continue to fight my battle against myself until I prevail. Living my life guarded is not truly living my life. Yes, there are lots of people out there that have and lots of people that could hurt me, but I’m only cheating myself if I go through life trying to pro-actively prevent myself from being hurt. Not everyone in this world is the same and not everyone in this world is looking to take everything they can from me.
If I continually guard myself in case the person I want to open up to might be one of those people that could break me again after I’ve stitched my pieces back together, I will also risk dismissing/pushing away someone that could only want to reinforce the cracks in my heart by adding a few extra stitches to help hold it all together.
I need to learn to trust myself … and to trust others with myself.