Hauntingly Undeserving

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Today is a day that I feel like everyone is wearing masks… especially those closest to me.
That they are hiding things – particularly things they don’t like about me.

It’s almost as if I NEED something to be wrong so I can at least pin this feeling on a source.  Having these feelings for no damned good reason is frustrating and disheartening.

Suddenly everyone is my enemy or they are deceiving me – not because I want them to be, but just because I’m sure it is so; or at least my niggling thoughts try to make me believe I feel it is certain deep down inside.

Give me a reason not to be happy… I cannot trust being happy… It’s a set up.

Believe!  Believe!  It’s okay to be happy and it is truly possible.

Do you believe?
Yes.
Okay good… oh by the way – it’s all a façade!

Yes, see, I told you!  I’m not enough, I’m imperfect, and I suck.  I knew it!
When will I stop believing in believing?
When will I just come to terms with it?
When will I realize that I am not worthy?
I’ve been told so, over and over.
All the while I try to deny it and believe I deserve, can and will have things in life that bring peace within me.
Yet, when I have them and there’s nothing to fight to prove, I feel my smokescreen lighten and I remind myself that I cannot have this happy and it’s only a matter of time before something reminds me of that.

I don’t deserve it.