Not A Victim but Not in Denial

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I realized that I write more sad/dark content than I write happy/hopeful pieces.  This is not because I am always on the depressed or negatively agitated side of my bipolar coin.  After giving it some thought I realized it is because the happy/hopeful side isn’t as shunned or doesn’t cause confusion/misunderstandings the way the other side can, so I work extra hard to hold the dark parts all inside and keep them from impacting my life or the lives of my loved ones in a negative manner.

After holding it all in, it starts to rot; I write to release it (and hopefully to help others find their way through their own mazes or at least know they aren’t as alone as it sometimes feels).

Don’t mistake my writings as weakness or a drama-fest pity-party – they are far from it.  They represent the strength of surmounting the trials that my disorder can present.

I accepted a long time ago that I am fated to fight this battle.  And fight I always will.

I can proudly say that despite all the dark and ugly thoughts and perceptions that can haunt me, I have learned to keep them mostly inside and keep my life adequately in order.  Or to spew them all to my super awesome soul sister who knows me intimately enough to not misunderstand who I am based on the horrible things that are coming out of my mouth/fingertips.  Thank the stars for her truly getting it – because sometimes she has to remind me of myself and that this person/attitude is only a temporary side effect of my condition.  Also thank the stars for all the loving people in my life that do not shun me or un-love me when I hole up in order to recharge/get myself right and not bleed my blackness all over them.

Onward!  This is called life – it’s for living!

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Damn Everyone – Including Me

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Discontent.
Numbness.
Apathy.

Look at the bright side?
Everything’s dark!

Disinclination has taken over.
Nothing is what it was.
Yet nothing has changed.

I’m drowning in shallow water.
Yet I cannot lift my head.

Emptiness.
Contempt.
Desolation.

Happiness is a choice.
Sometimes it’s not!

Facts are facts but feelings are stronger.
It doesn’t matter what I think.
Not during this game.

I’m covered in pessimism.
Regardless of the sunshine.

Mask Reveals Masks Reveal Masks

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I see your polished surface,
Such beauty and certainty.

I start to smile, but then I wonder…

Is it the same in your heart?
Or is your show a farce?

Are you hiding the venom you hold inside?

Waiting…  just long enough to hook me

So that you can destroy me.

Then allow all those I’m not enough for

To use me as a bridge to cross the muddy waters.

I see your face,
I think I see your heart,
But I’ve been duped before.

It’s like slots…
I will keep pulling the lever to lose,

But walk away when I’m guaranteed the next pull wins.

Because every time I’ve believed,
I’ve felt the sting that follows trusting that I am enough.

Hauntingly Undeserving

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Today is a day that I feel like everyone is wearing masks… especially those closest to me.
That they are hiding things – particularly things they don’t like about me.

It’s almost as if I NEED something to be wrong so I can at least pin this feeling on a source.  Having these feelings for no damned good reason is frustrating and disheartening.

Suddenly everyone is my enemy or they are deceiving me – not because I want them to be, but just because I’m sure it is so; or at least my niggling thoughts try to make me believe I feel it is certain deep down inside.

Give me a reason not to be happy… I cannot trust being happy… It’s a set up.

Believe!  Believe!  It’s okay to be happy and it is truly possible.

Do you believe?
Yes.
Okay good… oh by the way – it’s all a façade!

Yes, see, I told you!  I’m not enough, I’m imperfect, and I suck.  I knew it!
When will I stop believing in believing?
When will I just come to terms with it?
When will I realize that I am not worthy?
I’ve been told so, over and over.
All the while I try to deny it and believe I deserve, can and will have things in life that bring peace within me.
Yet, when I have them and there’s nothing to fight to prove, I feel my smokescreen lighten and I remind myself that I cannot have this happy and it’s only a matter of time before something reminds me of that.

I don’t deserve it.

Oopsie Medicated (Poetry)

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Grins abound,
Tiny intruders scurry;
Caught by the corner of the eye,

Then disappear.

Slow motion,
Tracers coloring the mind;
Keeping a shit-eating grin on my face,

No need to fear.

Floating on,
Amusements spawn;
Texture tickles my fancy,

And oh the things I hear.

I am hovering,
Everyone else is grounded.
They have no idea how I see them,

Inside my funny sphere.

I’ll laugh
With no explanation;
They’ll just assume they understand.

But they are not here.

Sorry, this is for my amusement alone.

Ugly Eyes (Poetry)

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Seeing the world through ugly eyes…

Not the way I like to see.
Rubbed the wrong way,
I struggle to stay optimistic.

Some days it seems like “Fuck It” is the best answer.

Seems like, being the key there,
It never works out as nicely.

But ugly eyes…

Sight cast over with cynicism.
Effort seems pointless.
Humanity is exasperating.

Why do I play this game, day after day?
It all seems so burdensome.
What’s the purpose to all of this?

Some days I think I’d be happier left out of this world.

Give me a forest to lie in,
A tree for shade,
Some berries to nibble,
And no part of this thing we call civilized life.

 

The Journey (Poetry)

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Challenged.
Turned sideways,
Exist as two instead of one…

I never expected otherwise,
Hope is just a wish in disguise.

Independent.
I fly horizontal,
Fulfill my roles as noble as I can…

I believe I do my absolute best,
Morals and love – I’ll wing the rest.

Just hold on!

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As exhausting as rapid cycling can be, I have to admit that I like the perk of not being depressed for weeks or months on end.  I have always thought that those that struggle with Type II Bipolar are remarkable, because frankly, I’m not sure how I’d fair during an elongated depression.

That being said, after a brief three day run, I woke up today feeling much lighter.

It’s astonishing how a slight shift in my chemicals can change my world so drastically.  The same things that I looked at yesterday or a couple of days ago and felt absolutely overwhelmed by or saw as the worst of the worst possible situation now look simpler and endurable.  Nothing about these things have changed; it’s all me.  It’s the way the gloomy part of my brain chooses to whisper in my ear and distort my vision.

That’s what I’ve learned to anchor myself to when I’m going through a state that is especially challenging – be it mania or depression; or my favorite, a mixed state.  I continually remind myself that what I see and feel during these times aren’t always truthful, but a scribbled over version of reality.

Sometimes I have to remind myself 200 times in one day NOT to act on that thought/feeling; to just wait and see if I feel the same about it next week.  My depressed thoughts may tell me that someone doesn’t like me, or that I am inadequate, or that I totally suck as a mother; but that’s all it is, my depressed mind saying that to me (for fun I guess?).
I cannot think of a more effective way for me to appear nuttier than peanut butter than treating every dark whisper as a fact.
Once you open a can, it’s open.  Once you express a thought to another it cannot be unheard by them.

My best advice is DON’T DO IT.  Just hold on, wait until you see the little signs that you are rising again, before you run with ANYTHING!  (I say this realizing that there are going to be some things that just have to happen, that cannot be put on hold.  Sometimes life doesn’t give a shit if you’re bipolar and doesn’t have time to wait for you.)

At times when I am in a depressed state, I hole up and interact as little as possible.  Yes, partly because it is too damned challenging and I simply don’t have the energy; but the other part is, the less I do, the less of a mess I’ll be making out of things around me.

The people in your life will understand, or they won’t.  The ones that do not, will either get over it or they will get on with it (it being life) without you.

The important part is that you won’t be trying to undo a bunch of regrets when you shift into the next bipolar state.

It will all be okay, just keep holding on!

Trapped Inside Myself

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I’m in some kind of way.

A heavy sadness resides within, long sleeps and strange confusing dreams.

All will eludes me for no good reason. The only desire I have is to just stop, cease to be. If only I could crawl into a corner and quietly disintegrate.

What is wrong with me?

It would all be easier if I could just decompose back into the Earth.

Then there is the overwhelming sense of responsibility … There are people that rely on me. I hate letting my loved ones down. I feel selfish.

Overwhelmed, I push.

And I push.

Hoping all the while my fucked up brain will shift again.

Trapped inside myself.

Unfamiliar Dish (poetry)

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Sitting in reflection,
Tears of disbelief
Escape my eyes…

The ability to express it all
Eludes me.

I am not unrest;
Merely overcome.

Fragments of me reluctant
To swallow its sweetness…

Intimidated yet enraptured.

Touched from the inside;
Permeated with this bliss.

Unsure if it’s safe to
Abandon reservation.

I smile and taste the salty
Evidence of happiness;

An unfamiliar dish.
But I think I can adapt.

~Sandserene 6/9/2017