Drifting through…
No certainty,
No comfort,
No guarantees.

There’s a hollow spot within.
One I am unsure how to fill.

Drifting through…
Afraid of my next move,
Terrified to show all my needs,
Fearful that no one will care.

Chin up,
Forced smile,

Put on the façade that I am not struggling…

I’ve gotten so good at pretending that I am strong.
I’ve got this,
I’m good,
I’m independent.

Really I just need to feel like I can rely on someone…

Someone to see my sadness,
Someone to take the time,
Someone to notice my struggle
And help protect me from it all.

And yet pride keeps me from opening up,
From showing others what I’m really dealing with.

Too afraid of being let down like so many times before,
Uncertain if anyone really wants all of me and my struggles,
Little faith in the fact that anyone could.

I make light of it all to others,
And sit alone and cry.

Struggling emotionally…

Feeling uncertain and unworthy.



Overwhelming urges suppressed,
Held captive by wavering confidence.
Fear whispering of rejection.

Like a genie in a bottle,
My love for you hides,
Waiting for your wishes.

Bottled up ambitions,
Aloof dispositions,
Reserved expressions…

You deserve more.

I’m learning to believe,
Absorbing that you’re here by choice.
Accepting that you’re safe.

Slowly opening the door,
Showing what I harbor within;
All the love and light I hold for you.

I timidly open up to reveal all of my heart.

Trembling with the fear that I don’t deserve-
Quaking with the pleasure that results from-
All of the wonder that is you.

Dear, Anxiety – you’re still an asshole.


Within the silent shadowy tomb protected by my psyche,
Uncertainty grows.
It’s not time to analyze and paralyze, yet it feeds nonetheless,
Like a ravenous vulture…

Sucking up little morsels of anxiety and doubt-
Mushrooming them into catastrophic conclusions.

Oozing its septicity from its tiny cell,
It infects the core of me and sets my thoughts afire.
I sing it soothing words, hoping to calm the beast.
Still it attaches to stray thoughts and amplifies itself.
It feels like my heart is being pulled into my stomach.

I breathe and reassure myself that this is all purposeless,
There are no actions to take.

Yet it festers and pesters and fails to slow.
Bringing with it impairment…
Or is its presence simultaneous to them?

No evidence – no solution.
Restraint fails.
Paranoia grows.
Why not, add it to the pile,
It’s not like we need elbow room in here anyway.

Go ahead, weave your webs,
Plant your seeds of doubt.
Take my breath and balance.

I’ll just adapt and survive…
And in the end,
Remind you that you’re still an asshole.



Damn Everyone – Including Me



Look at the bright side?
Everything’s dark!

Disinclination has taken over.
Nothing is what it was.
Yet nothing has changed.

I’m drowning in shallow water.
Yet I cannot lift my head.


Happiness is a choice.
Sometimes it’s not!

Facts are facts but feelings are stronger.
It doesn’t matter what I think.
Not during this game.

I’m covered in pessimism.
Regardless of the sunshine.

Mask Reveals Masks Reveal Masks


I see your polished surface,
Such beauty and certainty.

I start to smile, but then I wonder…

Is it the same in your heart?
Or is your show a farce?

Are you hiding the venom you hold inside?

Waiting…  just long enough to hook me

So that you can destroy me.

Then allow all those I’m not enough for

To use me as a bridge to cross the muddy waters.

I see your face,
I think I see your heart,
But I’ve been duped before.

It’s like slots…
I will keep pulling the lever to lose,

But walk away when I’m guaranteed the next pull wins.

Because every time I’ve believed,
I’ve felt the sting that follows trusting that I am enough.

Oopsie Medicated (Poetry)


Grins abound,
Tiny intruders scurry;
Caught by the corner of the eye,

Then disappear.

Slow motion,
Tracers coloring the mind;
Keeping a shit-eating grin on my face,

No need to fear.

Floating on,
Amusements spawn;
Texture tickles my fancy,

And oh the things I hear.

I am hovering,
Everyone else is grounded.
They have no idea how I see them,

Inside my funny sphere.

I’ll laugh
With no explanation;
They’ll just assume they understand.

But they are not here.

Sorry, this is for my amusement alone.

Ugly Eyes (Poetry)


Seeing the world through ugly eyes…

Not the way I like to see.
Rubbed the wrong way,
I struggle to stay optimistic.

Some days it seems like “Fuck It” is the best answer.

Seems like, being the key there,
It never works out as nicely.

But ugly eyes…

Sight cast over with cynicism.
Effort seems pointless.
Humanity is exasperating.

Why do I play this game, day after day?
It all seems so burdensome.
What’s the purpose to all of this?

Some days I think I’d be happier left out of this world.

Give me a forest to lie in,
A tree for shade,
Some berries to nibble,
And no part of this thing we call civilized life.


The Journey (Poetry)


Turned sideways,
Exist as two instead of one…

I never expected otherwise,
Hope is just a wish in disguise.

I fly horizontal,
Fulfill my roles as noble as I can…

I believe I do my absolute best,
Morals and love – I’ll wing the rest.

Unfamiliar Dish (poetry)

Sitting in reflection,
Tears of disbelief
Escape my eyes…

The ability to express it all
Eludes me.

I am not unrest;
Merely overcome.

Fragments of me reluctant
To swallow its sweetness…

Intimidated yet enraptured.

Touched from the inside;
Permeated with this bliss.

Unsure if it’s safe to
Abandon reservation.

I smile and taste the salty
Evidence of happiness;

An unfamiliar dish.
But I think I can adapt.

~Sandserene 6/9/2017