I made it to 2018! And Yeap, I’m Still Bipolar.

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And here we are, starting off another year.  Last year I was reminded that being bipolar doesn’t go away just because you are happy.

Yes it is much harder to deal with if you are unhappy, but happiness does not cure me of being bipolar.  In a way this was a harder lesson than any before.  It’s been years since I’ve been truly happy in all aspects of life, so every time my chemical balance shifted in a way that I sunk into depression it was easy to “blame” my unhappiness or the parts of my life that left me unfulfilled.

I’m not saying 2017 was a perfect year.  I had life trials to endure and defeat.  I was still adapting to being a single mother of a teenage boy as well as helping him adapt to the changes and realizations that me becoming a single mother brought into his life.

I also had to learn to trust again – trust that I was deserving and “good enough” to be part of another’s life.  The end of 2016 gifted me by bringing a wonderful man into my life and for the first time since I ended my 21 year marriage, I was interested in allowing another to enrich my life via a personal relationship.

So, yes, 2017 had its challenges, but overall, it was a great year.  What’s my point?  As I mentioned above, that despite all the good, I still found myself stumbling, having depressive episodes and struggling to come out of the dark.  I was still indeed, bipolar.

It was super easy to credit my depressed episodes to the circumstances in my life up until this last year.  A year when there truly weren’t any circumstances to blame.  I have a wonderful son and family, I have a fantastic (more than fantastic, more than amazing, no words can describe) man romantically in my life, I have a job that I enjoy with a respectable employer that treats me well, a few true friends; essentially, my basic needs are met and then some.  Yet I still found myself struggling with depression.

Well, duh, you dumbass, you are an individual living with bipolar disorder, a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.  Yes, circumstances can influence the intensity of such a disorder, but is not the cause.

That was my hardest pill to swallow during the past year.  That despite all the wonder I have in my life, I can still find myself feeling low and hopeless.  (Yes I realize I am mostly addressing the depression side of bipolar, but let’s be real, most of us don’t mind being manic.  At least not until after mania has passed and we are picking up the pieces of anything we managed to shatter during the episode.)

It wasn’t easy to accept, and it took me almost the entire year to get there, but I do accept it.  Partially because I was shown that it’s okay if I am not perfect, I am still loveable even during my imperfect phases; that despite what experience had taught me in the past, not everyone will just turn a blind eye or walk away and leave you to struggle.  And as a result of that, my bits of sanity kicked in and I remembered that being bipolar makes me who I am!  Not just the sad, hopeless depressed parts, but all of me and who I am – my compassion for others, my creativity, my sense of humor, etc.  And when I can step back and look objectively at the entire picture, I like who I am struggles and all.

So here’s to being bipolar!  And here’s to a fantastic upcoming year for us all!!!

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Drifting through…
No certainty,
No comfort,
No guarantees.

There’s a hollow spot within.
One I am unsure how to fill.

Drifting through…
Afraid of my next move,
Terrified to show all my needs,
Fearful that no one will care.

Chin up,
Forced smile,

Put on the façade that I am not struggling…

I’ve gotten so good at pretending that I am strong.
I’ve got this,
I’m good,
I’m independent.

Really I just need to feel like I can rely on someone…

Someone to see my sadness,
Someone to take the time,
Someone to notice my struggle
And help protect me from it all.

And yet pride keeps me from opening up,
From showing others what I’m really dealing with.

Too afraid of being let down like so many times before,
Uncertain if anyone really wants all of me and my struggles,
Little faith in the fact that anyone could.

I make light of it all to others,
And sit alone and cry.

Wishing…
Wanting…
Struggling emotionally…

Feeling uncertain and unworthy.

Is that Charlie Brown’s Parents I hear?

Charlie-Brown

Back here again – everything to say but no words to say it with.  More honestly, no fucks to give whether or not anyone knows how I feel.  I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted and no matter how many times I say it, no one TRULY hears me!

No I don’t mean that in a poor me way.  I just get to a point where it seems such a waste of my time and energy to even interact with most living beings.  I have zero faith that even a person I deem intelligent can understand what I’m trying to say in some cases.

That leads us back to the fact that most people talk to be heard, not truly because they want you to listen and respond.  Sometimes that’s all good.  And sometimes you have to realize walking in a circle gets you nowhere, accept that you cannot change it and move forward.  Seriously, some days I feel like I’m trapped in a room with several record players in which the records are all skipping- why?  Because people love to hear themselves complain – I guess it makes them feel empowered.

I get that we all need to vent, but at some point, if you find yourself venting on repeat, you need to make some decisions.  Decide to change it, if you cannot change it, decide to engage your super bubble armor and not let it fucking get to you.  Because once you’ve gone beyond venting for the release of a bit of pressure, for the purpose of moving forward (PAST WHAT YOU ARE BITCHING ABOUT), then you are just as much of the issue as whatever you are venting about.  Not only that, but you are regurgitating your negative feelings about it again and again and it’s landing all over the people that care enough to listen to you.
Just like anything, if you use your credits up on repeats and trivial bullshit, where will you turn when you truly need that ear?

Many people feel comfortable talking to me.  I consider that an honor and am glad to be there for people.  But if you keep putting the same fucking ingredients into your cake batter and ask me why your cake still tastes like shit eventually I’m going to smash you in the face with your cake.  Or if you keep feeding me the same bite of cake over and over and asking me if it tastes different, I’m probably going to stab you in the eye with the fork you are serving me the bite of cake with.

Oh then I’ll be the bad guy because I had to get harsh and real due to the fact that people are so self-involved even when they seek out another for comfort, they ignore what the reward is yet keep asking for a reward.  I am a patient person most of the time, but once I’m full all my gracefulness flies out the window and I will tell you straight up that you are being a little bitch or I’ll just walk the fuck away and make myself less available.

I have my own life issues – I’m a single mom of a teenager with a full time job that fights to keep her bipolar disorder in balance day to day.  I LOVE to be there for people I care about, but I can only handle so much.  If you don’t hear my subtle advice and I see no signs of improvement or no steps toward resolution or acceptance, I’m eventually not going to be able to retain the SHUT THE FUCK UP from spewing out in some form.

Seriously folks, there’s a fine line between venting and beating a dead horse.

Holding it Together

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Today I was going to talk about when I woke and felt on another plane of existence.  One where there weren’t a million voices chattering in my head at me and that time felt like it was moving slow.  It dawned on me as I drove to work that this is probably that elusive beast people call normal or level.  I was kind of excited to be there and realize what it was while I was there.

However, yes, unfortunately there is a however, I arrived at work and all that normal peaceful shit flew right out the window.  Between having two days of work to sort and handle after having a day off, having several advisors be in need of my assistance, and teen parenting/dealing with the other parent kicking in full gear before 10 a.m. all that “normal” has pulled a disappearing act.

Instead, today, I will say that the levelness was nice for the hour it lasted.   And that I am grateful for starting out that way, because if I had started out on a tipped scale, all the aforementioned tasks would have spiked me harder than it did.

So now I’m in a state of heightened anxiety and slightly manic.

But I’m handling it like a champ; a speed-talking, moving at the speed-of-light champ, but a champ nonetheless.

I have a feeling I will be exhausted tonight!

Woohoo, let’s give two cheers for being on high speed crazy but still holding it all together!!!