I realized that I write more sad/dark content than I write happy/hopeful pieces. This is not because I am always on the depressed or negatively agitated side of my bipolar coin. After giving it some thought I realized it is because the happy/hopeful side isn’t as shunned or doesn’t cause confusion/misunderstandings the way the other side can, so I work extra hard to hold the dark parts all inside and keep them from impacting my life or the lives of my loved ones in a negative manner.
After holding it all in, it starts to rot; I write to release it (and hopefully to help others find their way through their own mazes or at least know they aren’t as alone as it sometimes feels).
Don’t mistake my writings as weakness or a drama-fest pity-party – they are far from it. They represent the strength of surmounting the trials that my disorder can present.
I accepted a long time ago that I am fated to fight this battle. And fight I always will.
I can proudly say that despite all the dark and ugly thoughts and perceptions that can haunt me, I have learned to keep them mostly inside and keep my life adequately in order. Or to spew them all to my super awesome soul sister who knows me intimately enough to not misunderstand who I am based on the horrible things that are coming out of my mouth/fingertips. Thank the stars for her truly getting it – because sometimes she has to remind me of myself and that this person/attitude is only a temporary side effect of my condition. Also thank the stars for all the loving people in my life that do not shun me or un-love me when I hole up in order to recharge/get myself right and not bleed my blackness all over them.
Onward! This is called life – it’s for living!